Badd Feelings...........

Dear Diary,

During this week I begin to get suspicious of all the time I see Delvin online when I am looking for jobs during the day. I know its five hours difference in Trinidad but he seems to always be home and always have time to chat. So today I ask if he still works at The Bank and he says he is on leave. I say ‘Delvin I’ve been up here two months – how long leave do you have?’ ‘Indefinitely’ he says. I just knew something was wrong! I’m like what happened?’ ‘I could not take it anymore’....... ‘everyone there was false,’ he admits after not typing for a while. He types, he lost it a day and cussed out everyone, after which he had a fit. A big one he admits after which his memory is spotty on many things, he’s been getting professional help and medication to be able to deal with everything - so he is on a long leave from the bank. I am wondering what happened to cause something like this but I know I have to be delicate with him. ‘Did people change drastically since I left?’ I asked. No he says. People were just going after their own and Dick (our manager) got on a power high once they confirmed his position, I just couldn’t cope working there anymore.’ He types. I remember how he was when I left and I remember all the unsaid things between us. And a dreaded thought enters my mind. ‘Was my leaving part of it?’ Partly he types, but it was not the cause he said. It would have happened anyway.  I wonder if it is true, but then through more explanation and assurance from him I realise I am thinking too much of myself. I know we were intense, but I also remember he had parts of his life that were very complicated that I won’t get into here so as to preserve his privacy. But I know maybe us not chatting every night; he not being able to talk to someone may have been a little frustrating.  I am sad about it, and for a minute feel selfish about pursuing my own dreams but then I think of where we would be if I were still home. And I realise there is only so much I could do for another person. I remember the depths his depression would go to and my inability to pull him out unless I demanded that he not do anything by showing him how it would affect me. And then I wouldn’t even pull him out just give him a desire to fight it.

This forces me to look at my life and see if I am really doing what I want and staying on track. That the things I gave up wasn’t in vain. It taints my present life as the last few weeks have mainly been a world wind of parties, drinking and meeting new people. I party with the girls, and only see my fellow Trinis at the Rocket where we joke around. And tho it sounds like a load of fun I know I am not built for this. I need something deeper and the shallowness of it all is starting to literally tear at my soul. Although classes are good and I honestly find them exciting and enjoying reading up for them, it is not enough. I mean I can’t really have in depth debates on financial institutions with Del and the girls and with them it’s all about fun and drinking. Their faces look blank every time I try to explain to them what I study and the one time Ny came over when I was studying he was in shock at the thickness and amount of books thrown around my room.  I honestly find it strange that people think finance is difficult; to me it’s like studying business but with a slight slope on it.  But then I am kinda snobbish when it comes to other subjects. Like Del is doing a degree in Events Management, Lise and Faye are studying Nutrition and Jocelyn is studying Film Studies. Can you imagine that Film studies! I am sorry and apology to anyone studying in that field, but tell me exactly what is your homework gonna be? Watch an Affair to Remember and pull out the themes of the plot! Come On that is play not work. And it showed, all my friends have so much more time on their hands than I do. It came to a point that I could only relate to Elana, Sharkya or one of the other girls from the group on the first day. Sometimes when hanging out with what I came to term my halls friends I would have to get some alcohol and deaden some of my brain cells.

OH MY GOD, I am reading that over and I am sounding like a right bitch. But sometimes I look at them and then at me and I just don’t understand it. But they are my friends and they stand up for me if anyone pushes me in the Rocket and invite me out, keep me busy and from feeling homesick, so I feel indebted to them. The nights when I am alone I start calling home and I have to use the payphone downstairs in the lobby entrance. Tonight I head down and decide to give Devlin a call to see how he’s going and start missing him so much that I start to cry. One of the hall monitors sees me and watches me with some concern. I hurriedly wipe my tears and watch him daring him to say something and hope he realises that he should just pretend he sees nothing. Which after a while he is smart enough to do and leaves me to it. Delvin is unaware and I want to keep it like that.

Calling, Devlin makes it worst and I have the whole weekend stretched before me. After the phone cuts off I decide sleep is the best for me tonight and I curl up in my duvet and hug the extra bits.  But I am not the only one that is thinking this on halls. No one talks about it but you can see it in the actions all around. It plays tricks on you and if you’re not ready for it you do things and accept things you later regret. I recall the other night Del brought home a guy she met in the Rocket. She was sitting in his lap in the taxi home, being all cute and sexy – a definite act, but being a guy either he didn’t care or didn’t realise. I didn’t know the whole story as I was liming with the Trini guys on the hockey team, I just remember feeling that something was wrong with the guy cause although he was only talking to Del, his eyes were only on Lise. And she was I am not sure ..... kinda blushing!? It felt like a strange x-rated movie standoff in our floor’s common kitchen, as Del’s conversation just got more graphic, and sex oriented the longer we stayed there. I honestly started feeling like if a threesome would happen on the kitchen table cause the three of us girls was facing him and he was just grinning with predatorily eyes licking over each of us. I started to feel uncomfortable and made up a story of feeling tired and headed to bed.

The next day Lise came over to my room upset and gave me the whole story. Seems the guy from last night had approached her first and she really liked him. (In my mind I go right OK and try not to screw up my face – Lise is gorgeous with curves to stop cars and this guy is lame, skinny and well let’s be nice not attractive). But it seems somewhere along the line Del start dancing on him and his focus shifted from Lise to Del. And to top it off Lise stayed in the kitchen whole night till Del pulled to guy to her room for the night, and he stayed over, she had seen him leaving just before she came to my room. Well actually she was going to see Del and made a detour to my room when she saw him leaving Del’s room. At least she’s not crying over it but I still felt sorry for her experiencing Del’s betrayal cause they are pretty thick within the group. I know they hang out all the time and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together. I tell her not to worry that he was a wanker if that’s how he behaved and she hasn’t missed out on anything. In my mind I am thinking what the hell Del slept with that guy she met last night! But I remain calm on the outside and act like this is normal.

Lise forgives Del quickly because at dinner that night they are as thick as ever. We’re gossiping about some other girls on halls. One of the girls I met on the first night has dropped out of university. It seems she hooked up in the first week with a guy from halls and they were together. To sound really lame they were an official item. A week ago she found out he was sleeping with all the girls on her floor block and all the ‘friends’ that she hung out with and partied with at the Rocket. DANG! – my first thought was what a hoe he was, what type of friends are those and then (oh my goodness) how embarrassing for her. Seems she only had the last thought cause when she found out she cried, slapped him up a bit and then promptly called her parents to take her home.  From our supposed superior state we all shook our heads at the situation and asked why did she leave ...? Del without compassion said ‘Why did she come to university to find a guy or get a degree?’ I thought this but I won’t say it cause to have that level of betrayal is hard. But the statement although harsh was true. I firmly believed you should not put men before friends, work or passion. Lise then said ‘Well, when you surround yourself with friends like that what do you expect?’ Jocelyn (Jo) said ‘Yeah in that group everybody is sleeping around.’ I looked at Lise  (Jo and Fay were not around last night) thinking how close she had come to a similar faith just last night. I had a bad feeling that maybe our group wasn’t that tight after all, and the fact was that we were all just lonely and killing time. So I ended the day calling Delvin  a link I forged before, which ended in my crying in the lobby, staring down the halls monitor, and hugging my duvet and going to sleep. It didn’t help.

Well I am off for now....... to sleep