Badd Feelings...........

Dear Diary,

During this week I begin to get suspicious of all the time I see Delvin online when I am looking for jobs during the day. I know its five hours difference in Trinidad but he seems to always be home and always have time to chat. So today I ask if he still works at The Bank and he says he is on leave. I say ‘Delvin I’ve been up here two months – how long leave do you have?’ ‘Indefinitely’ he says. I just knew something was wrong! I’m like what happened?’ ‘I could not take it anymore’....... ‘everyone there was false,’ he admits after not typing for a while. He types, he lost it a day and cussed out everyone, after which he had a fit. A big one he admits after which his memory is spotty on many things, he’s been getting professional help and medication to be able to deal with everything - so he is on a long leave from the bank. I am wondering what happened to cause something like this but I know I have to be delicate with him. ‘Did people change drastically since I left?’ I asked. No he says. People were just going after their own and Dick (our manager) got on a power high once they confirmed his position, I just couldn’t cope working there anymore.’ He types. I remember how he was when I left and I remember all the unsaid things between us. And a dreaded thought enters my mind. ‘Was my leaving part of it?’ Partly he types, but it was not the cause he said. It would have happened anyway.  I wonder if it is true, but then through more explanation and assurance from him I realise I am thinking too much of myself. I know we were intense, but I also remember he had parts of his life that were very complicated that I won’t get into here so as to preserve his privacy. But I know maybe us not chatting every night; he not being able to talk to someone may have been a little frustrating.  I am sad about it, and for a minute feel selfish about pursuing my own dreams but then I think of where we would be if I were still home. And I realise there is only so much I could do for another person. I remember the depths his depression would go to and my inability to pull him out unless I demanded that he not do anything by showing him how it would affect me. And then I wouldn’t even pull him out just give him a desire to fight it.

This forces me to look at my life and see if I am really doing what I want and staying on track. That the things I gave up wasn’t in vain. It taints my present life as the last few weeks have mainly been a world wind of parties, drinking and meeting new people. I party with the girls, and only see my fellow Trinis at the Rocket where we joke around. And tho it sounds like a load of fun I know I am not built for this. I need something deeper and the shallowness of it all is starting to literally tear at my soul. Although classes are good and I honestly find them exciting and enjoying reading up for them, it is not enough. I mean I can’t really have in depth debates on financial institutions with Del and the girls and with them it’s all about fun and drinking. Their faces look blank every time I try to explain to them what I study and the one time Ny came over when I was studying he was in shock at the thickness and amount of books thrown around my room.  I honestly find it strange that people think finance is difficult; to me it’s like studying business but with a slight slope on it.  But then I am kinda snobbish when it comes to other subjects. Like Del is doing a degree in Events Management, Lise and Faye are studying Nutrition and Jocelyn is studying Film Studies. Can you imagine that Film studies! I am sorry and apology to anyone studying in that field, but tell me exactly what is your homework gonna be? Watch an Affair to Remember and pull out the themes of the plot! Come On that is play not work. And it showed, all my friends have so much more time on their hands than I do. It came to a point that I could only relate to Elana, Sharkya or one of the other girls from the group on the first day. Sometimes when hanging out with what I came to term my halls friends I would have to get some alcohol and deaden some of my brain cells.

OH MY GOD, I am reading that over and I am sounding like a right bitch. But sometimes I look at them and then at me and I just don’t understand it. But they are my friends and they stand up for me if anyone pushes me in the Rocket and invite me out, keep me busy and from feeling homesick, so I feel indebted to them. The nights when I am alone I start calling home and I have to use the payphone downstairs in the lobby entrance. Tonight I head down and decide to give Devlin a call to see how he’s going and start missing him so much that I start to cry. One of the hall monitors sees me and watches me with some concern. I hurriedly wipe my tears and watch him daring him to say something and hope he realises that he should just pretend he sees nothing. Which after a while he is smart enough to do and leaves me to it. Delvin is unaware and I want to keep it like that.

Calling, Devlin makes it worst and I have the whole weekend stretched before me. After the phone cuts off I decide sleep is the best for me tonight and I curl up in my duvet and hug the extra bits.  But I am not the only one that is thinking this on halls. No one talks about it but you can see it in the actions all around. It plays tricks on you and if you’re not ready for it you do things and accept things you later regret. I recall the other night Del brought home a guy she met in the Rocket. She was sitting in his lap in the taxi home, being all cute and sexy – a definite act, but being a guy either he didn’t care or didn’t realise. I didn’t know the whole story as I was liming with the Trini guys on the hockey team, I just remember feeling that something was wrong with the guy cause although he was only talking to Del, his eyes were only on Lise. And she was I am not sure ..... kinda blushing!? It felt like a strange x-rated movie standoff in our floor’s common kitchen, as Del’s conversation just got more graphic, and sex oriented the longer we stayed there. I honestly started feeling like if a threesome would happen on the kitchen table cause the three of us girls was facing him and he was just grinning with predatorily eyes licking over each of us. I started to feel uncomfortable and made up a story of feeling tired and headed to bed.

The next day Lise came over to my room upset and gave me the whole story. Seems the guy from last night had approached her first and she really liked him. (In my mind I go right OK and try not to screw up my face – Lise is gorgeous with curves to stop cars and this guy is lame, skinny and well let’s be nice not attractive). But it seems somewhere along the line Del start dancing on him and his focus shifted from Lise to Del. And to top it off Lise stayed in the kitchen whole night till Del pulled to guy to her room for the night, and he stayed over, she had seen him leaving just before she came to my room. Well actually she was going to see Del and made a detour to my room when she saw him leaving Del’s room. At least she’s not crying over it but I still felt sorry for her experiencing Del’s betrayal cause they are pretty thick within the group. I know they hang out all the time and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together. I tell her not to worry that he was a wanker if that’s how he behaved and she hasn’t missed out on anything. In my mind I am thinking what the hell Del slept with that guy she met last night! But I remain calm on the outside and act like this is normal.

Lise forgives Del quickly because at dinner that night they are as thick as ever. We’re gossiping about some other girls on halls. One of the girls I met on the first night has dropped out of university. It seems she hooked up in the first week with a guy from halls and they were together. To sound really lame they were an official item. A week ago she found out he was sleeping with all the girls on her floor block and all the ‘friends’ that she hung out with and partied with at the Rocket. DANG! – my first thought was what a hoe he was, what type of friends are those and then (oh my goodness) how embarrassing for her. Seems she only had the last thought cause when she found out she cried, slapped him up a bit and then promptly called her parents to take her home.  From our supposed superior state we all shook our heads at the situation and asked why did she leave ...? Del without compassion said ‘Why did she come to university to find a guy or get a degree?’ I thought this but I won’t say it cause to have that level of betrayal is hard. But the statement although harsh was true. I firmly believed you should not put men before friends, work or passion. Lise then said ‘Well, when you surround yourself with friends like that what do you expect?’ Jocelyn (Jo) said ‘Yeah in that group everybody is sleeping around.’ I looked at Lise  (Jo and Fay were not around last night) thinking how close she had come to a similar faith just last night. I had a bad feeling that maybe our group wasn’t that tight after all, and the fact was that we were all just lonely and killing time. So I ended the day calling Delvin  a link I forged before, which ended in my crying in the lobby, staring down the halls monitor, and hugging my duvet and going to sleep. It didn’t help.

Well I am off for now....... to sleep

Rum Punch is a monthly instalment of soulful entertainment that touches down in Central London the first Thursday of each month. This is not your normal poetry night like others I have been to, with finger snapping, polite applause or poems about a child like intense love. This night is full of laughs, Shabbas, attitude and of course strong Rum Punch from the bar. It is a mix of guess that song that always makes you laugh and serious, intense, thought provoking lyrical poems with the occasional battle and music. It makes you think and brings issues to your mind. Great night out for only about a fiver, but make sure and be there early as it is always packed. See the next entry at Rudy’s Revenge168 High Holborn, LONDON WC1V 7AA

I don't usually put movies in the general content of this blog, but this movie I think is definitely a keeper..... so here it is.

For Coloured Girls. With all the hype of the new Harry Potter movie out, I thought this week I would take the opposite road and showcase a movie that has not received much hype since it came out. It is by one of my favourite directors and producers Tyler Perry. To truly appreciate this film, one has to know its history. This film is an adaption of an experimental play written in 1975 of the original title For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf by Ntozake Shange and is a compilation of several poems. In the original play, only the colours they wear and the hard circumstances they undergo identify the characters. For example, the lady in red goes through domestic violence and this shows the beginning of the meaning of the name of the book and film. The characters are African-American only because the original writer is - I mean, how would a black woman relate to a white cast in 1975 America she has only her own experience and knowledge to write from. The plot is one that all modern women regardless of colour or age can relate to, empathise, and understand. This film is African-American literature come to life and is done well by Tyler Perry given the limitations of transferring written word to film for deeply emotional and dramatic plots. But it seems unfinished just as N Shange commented on the movie, hence I think a revisit to the original literature is a must.

Get dressed, head over to Del’s room, drink some, then down to the bar, drink some more hang out ..... but I still think of him.

Dear Diary,

I believe it is out of shame that I haven’t written the past few months, of how I handled the situation with Ny. To start off with I spent that whole weekend hiding. Afraid that if I walked out my room I’d bounce into them and both he and I will feel bad. Or worst yet he’d tell me some lame ass lie and then I would lose what little respect or and positive feelings I had for him. Besides if I am honest, I think I wanted to maintain the illusion of all the things he told me and the warm feeling I was feeling inside for him. So for all the Independent Woman singing that I do and all the talk I chat I spent the weekend hiding from the guy that was saying sweet nothings in my ear and his girlfriend. Going to the grocery and covering my head, and tip toeing from my room to the kitchen even tho he’s not on my floor. Yes I know I need to be slapped into having sense!


So now I have explained myself hopeful you won’t berate me too much when I give you the update of what has happened since. At first I did what any girl would do I just avoided him. I hung out with my friends and enjoyed the attention of the guys at the Rocket which me and the girls went to every Wednesday. Sometimes I would feel a bit of mean girl when Lise would pull us all together and announce that we were officially the hottest girls in the room. And that everyone else was lame, ugly had bad dress sense or just should not be let in! And she and Del sometimes said it to their faces when they were drunk! But sometimes it comforted me hearing this plus these were my girlfriends and they were nice to me and I was still the same person, I mean, I was still nice to everyone. One of the nights out for the annual May ball I actually blushed at this guy who literally dropped to his knees and asked me to marry him! Yes it was a Las Vegas themed party and I was wearing my skin-fitted jeans cat-suit with a belt hung round my waist with braids brunched on the side, round gold earrings and a ghetto gold chain with my name written – like a high roller ghetto chick hitting Vegas town. We even went to the little onsite chapel and tied the knot. He was cute kinda with blue contacts, but it looked nice against his brown skin. But every night even with all these distractions I always ended up having at least one dance with  Ny. He’d always come over and dancing with him felt comfortable. The girls took notice and started asking if that was my boyfriend and started teasing me about it. Poking me every single time they saw him, every time they saw him steering at me or after we danced. It gave me a torn feeling, and I didn’t want to tell them about what happened with the girl. I was too happy being the one that got all the attention and seemed to be a hit right off the bat. So although I said nothing I always told them he and I were just friends nothing more. And that is true mostly cause Ny and I ended up hanging a lot. Sometimes it would be tv other times, he’d cook (lame stuff but it was still nice) and we would have dinner. And without good judgement I started to fall. I know this cause no other guy gave me the same feeling. And I would always think of him when something came up and wonder how he’d react.



I’ve only known the girls for a month but I feel close to them. This is the first time I have had so much time with friends. I mean I see them almost every day for dinner, to party or just hang out in each other’s room. Well mostly we hang out in Del’s room, which is kinda strange since I have the biggest room. But she has music, alcohol and Freeview TV, which makes her room more enjoyable plus she is always calling us over. Our usually thing for parties would be get dressed, head over to Del’s room, drink some, then go down to the bar as a strong group, drink some more occupy the bar with our beautiful present (LOL), then order a cab to the Rocket when we were ready to leave. We always felt and acted like we are the hottest people there and do whatever we wanted regardless and the boys still keep coming up to us. Tonight was Old skool disco, where you dress up as a naughty school girl or boy and we were wearing black shorts, ties and white shirts buttoned low to show a little little. While we were standing outside without coats freezing waiting for the cab to come (mind you it’s the ending of October and this Trini girl is accustom to temperatures of 35 degrees Celsius, but the alcohol helps) and chatting away to pass the time. This group of guys and one girl pass by and one guy looks at me straight in my eyes, I didn’t hear what they said but strangely it sounds familiar, but I ignore it – sometimes I think I am turning into a right bitch (small steps tho.) At the rocket the same guy approaches me and Lise rolls her eyes saying ‘Another admirer for Nina’. I take the heads up and when he says hey and asks how I am doing I realise he’s Trini as well. I was so happy I jus burst out smiling. He said yeah and so are my friends over there. I tell the girls I am coming back and they all look at me shocked! But I head over and meet the group of guys and the girl. They make up the hockey team for the university; names fly all over as I am starting to realise is the norm up here, but I remember the guy who approached me name Ablie and the girl Pixi (but I am not sure I got that right). I spend time with them and I must say it was absolutely fun! As I head back to the girls Ny pulls my hand smiles and tells me I look nice, I blush.. but am a little taken aback cause I didn’t even know that he was around and normally I have an idea when he is in the room. He looks over at my new friends, asks who they are I gush saying ‘they’re all Trinis, well except the girl she sounds Bajan.’ ‘Oh Cool’ he says he eyes light up briefly but as he looks back at me I feel his eyes still checking me out, I blush and feel a little self conscience as his stares always make me feel. So I decide to go back over to the girls and they are less than impressed about my new friends being Trini.

As usually Thursday passes quickly in a haze and I get through my busy Friday schedule. Friday night there is a knock on my door and I think it’s Ny, but then I think again cause Friday is when she comes over I believe. When I open the door I see Ablie and a friend, and they ask what I am up to.  Nothing really I say Ablie asks if I am hanging with the girls and he particular asks after Lise thinking we’re doing some fantasy girl’s sleep over. I laugh and say no we not hanging out tonight. He introduces his friend Grant. I take to him instantly cause his name is same as my best boy friend back home that passed away and there is just something about him I like. My blood just took to him, but in a friend way, his smile at me said the same too.

Well I am off for now....... A kindred spirit at last!

El Familiar by Nina S.

In darkness a familiar walk

A familiar shape comes into view

As the image comes into focus...my heart quickens

Not ready, I turn my eyes away and close them tight wishing you away

But this is worst than before
All the memories come back
Feeling of your warm breath, your scent musky, soapy ....cool water fresh
The touch of your lips on my cool skin
The excitement and racing of my blood under my skin at your soft kisses
No guiding of hands here or loud purposed murmurs announcing ecstasy
All is already known
All territory discovered and covered

Sometimes a familiar touch is more exciting than a new one

As it speaks of long felt trust of loving and sharing
Of familiarity
Where an embrace is easy to give
When I gathered you into me as natural as I breathe fresh air
Being wrapped in each one’s space, arms, legs fingers and toes
And souls confined comfortable to one space is pure silent joy
Your words released the stresses of the world and brought calm to a frighten heart
When I felt like mine changed a life and inspired a heart and mind.

But this is no more

As neither your territory or mine belongs to the other anymore
I hide
Not ready to be with a lost love
Using nights cover, I allow him to pass on by.

Copyrighted 2010